Withdrawal

Withdrawal came too easily to her this time
around. Her soul felt no more than a bin for
all his lost and found. Why was it that some
part of her insisted she take on another round
of such rejection? It mattered not, her prayers
for angelic inspiration - he was gone. She'd
taken yet another chance, and lost.

Between her tears, she sought a source of some
invisible, mysterious, protective attitude. Before
this man had come along, it always had come
through. Yet now her sense and great belief
in innocence had come undone, for the love
she felt for him refused to yield to the many
pleas she'd sent into those magic worlds of
loving alchemy.

She remembered very well, the many times
that love had seemed to end in her relationships.
Yet nothing could compare to this great loss
she came to feel. (Could it be that love was
really true this time? If so, how could he leave
her as he did...?) And so she lived, indifferent
to the world that gathered all about her still.

It was as if she came to occupy another
realm of being. At first, she labeled it
as mere insanity. But too much mortal
time elapsed in her attempts to leave him
(too) behind. Magnetically, a
"something else" that she had never
known before, continued to torment her
every move. For she had never know a love
as true as this before, no matter all the
mourning she had done.

This time around it came to mean much more.
She'd felt this shattering before, but always had
she found the strength to pick up all the pieces
yet again. But still with him, a *something* deep
inside of her denied this excavation. Her mind
refused to wrap around the facts of his departure,
even now. Reason came to enter in. She knew she
had to keep on moving on. (What was it that still
kept her in this state of deep desire?) She waited
for another lesson to come clear to her, and yet
it seemed that nothing came at all, except the
vast, excruciating pain of his departure and
rejection.

She wondered how he'd come to gain from this.
And yet, the spell that he had cast, lived on within
her memories of happy days that loving him had
been. No matter all the many turns her mind
had always taken - she still could not conceive
why he had left her just the way he did. Never
had she felt the strength that his rejection brought
to bear on her, no matter how she used to think
that she had grown enough to handle it. Her
parents, after all, had wished her dead from
her conception. Why was it that this bothered
her again?

Oh God, the promises he'd made to her. They
were the everything that life had never offered
her before. Time and again, he'd sworn to her
that he would prove his words to her to be
reality. But then he chose to turn forever into
just a grain of sand that ushered in a misery
much grander than she knew could e'er exist.
Love is a destiny. This was her hope, belief,
and creed. He'd claimed it was the same for
him, back then. How could she not believe
the loving tone he'd used to speak his promises
(unerring memory from way back when)?

She had trusted him in ways she'd never, ever
trusted anyone before. But then he just walked
out the door, without an explanation. Nine months,
and still the pieces of her heart lay torn in bits
and pieces. And no matter how she tried, she'd
yet to come to any state of mind that might conceive
a lesson in the many games that he had played with her.
Forever, he had promised her forever in a sharing
of their love. (How was it that she hadn't noticed
his withholding, until the moment that he chose
to just evaporate...?)

This storm had lasted much too long; the pain was
inconceivable to her. She'd thought before, that she
had felt the worst within the many winding paths her
life had been. And yet again she found herself without
a root or anchor she might hold. No matter all the
memories of her miraculous survival until now -
even she had come to find another bottom - in this,
the love that she had held for him. Perhaps an
understanding was impossible this time. Then
why was it, she simply couldn't seem to let him go...?

Too much, too many - it all grew beyond her reach.
Children grown, they seldom needed her. And then,
that point where her career just crumbled around her.
That's when he came along. Was it simply that she'd
been too vulnerable just then? She'd opened up her
heart to him, as she'd done so many times before.
How was it that he'd come to shatter her, heart
and soul and flesh? Yet still, she longed for
just another touch of his compassion,
no matter all the harm that it had caused.
This insanity must have an end
somehow, somewhere, some time.

Yet still, the greatest need she felt, was for
withdrawal. And so that mortal time moved
on - without her...

? Michaelette ?

12/6/2001
Copyright© 2001 Michaelette L. Romano
All Rights Reserved
Take me home...