Without You

I don't just "miss" you.
There has been a vacuum in my life -
somehow charged and run by you -
a feel of ever building emptiness
that nothing can fulfill. And I know
those feelings came from you.

Something inside of me seemed
to explode that day you drove away.
No matter what I've tried to do
to revive, it hasn't quite come
back to me the way it used to be,
just as I know now, that you
never will.

Vague feelings of hope stir in me,
but less and less often. And no matter
how I reach for them, they never
become real. It's as if, on occasion,
you think of me, and then, as quickly
put all thoughts of me aside yet again -
purposively and with as much cruelty
as you can muster (which is very much
indeed).

I don't love you more, nor do I
love you any less, and yet - there
is something wrong with even that,
the love we used to share. And
that wrongness has been destroying
me. I can't let that go on.

And I will not allow you to
hurt me anymore with your
misguided notions. You took
a stand over a year ago,
in the horrible way that you left me.
In June of last year, I took my own stand.
I will not back down from it, no matter
how you try to convince me that
I ought to do otherwise.

I can't be there for you in any way anymore.
Not even in your negligence of silent secrecy.
The decisions have been made and
set in stone. Time has moved on.
And no matter what happens
from here on in, there is no turning
the clock back, no matter how you wish
it could be so. Nor will the mere passage
of time have any healing affect on this.

As always, the only healing I can find
is in my ways of changing me. And these
facts remain for me, for they have always
been a part of me. As I told you in the beginning,
I refuse to be your mistress. That you
lied to me to satisfy your sexual needs
is a personal problem that you will
simply have to deal with for yourself.
I did not lie, even then.

It seems strange, even now, that the
miasma of our love-making brought
ecstasy and such disastrous confusion
and pain into my life. Stranger still, that
it has taken me so long to sort it all out -
I, who have had so much practice
in sorting out matters of the heart
in my life. You were the one that
brought that pain and confusion
into my life. You did your best to
leave it here with me when you left.
That never worked for either
one of us though, because after all,
that always really was a part of you.

Perhaps the most bizarre thing that
I've learned is this: love-making
does not constitute love in totality,
anymore than simple rape ever could.
Yet this seems to be what all too many
people call love these days. No more
than just physical chemistry. Sensation
in and of itself, without the rest,
means little to nothing at all. And yet,
that is really not so bizarre, at least
not to me. It's not really love without it,
and yet "it," of itself, isn't love.

Marriage vows do not improve
the percentages much at all - they
may even have a lot more to do with
the destruction of love than its
evolution. The difference seems
to lie within individual commitment
to love itself.

Yet, if any of us is ever to come
to understand our own instincts,
we must come to understand
just this somehow. Just as each
of us must face the rest of our lives,
based upon its most emotional moments
of quick decision and actions taken.
Denying them is not the answer at all.
Yet living in the past is no better answer.

And yet again, it is my own body that
is bringing me to these conclusions.
Not morality or ethics or mind or society,
but rather more the proof of life's
continuance, in all its mysteries.
And there is a reason for even this.
Sex is only necessary in
a moment of conception.
How can love last if that
is all it is?

Too often, sex is seen as
'only' sensual - and not the fulfillment
of love at all. You still spend your time
trying to keep that basic part of yourself
separate from the reality of your life.
You say that you understand, and yet
for all your life, you have run away from
just such understanding. It is so much
easier for you to claim not to know. And
all of this, has forced me yet again to admit
that no matter how I've grown in the course
of my life, there will always be yet another
lesson left to learn. Even from a tragedy
such as this seems to have been. You chose,
you choose, even yet - that mask, the sham,
another woven spell of illusion. The words,
the promises, the commitments you
made to me - you never lived up to
a single one of them.  Forever love,
you said, not long at all before you
walked away.

Sorting through the feelings of the sensations
that you and I shared has not been easy.
Trying to understand your reasoning will
always be impossible, for you have no
reasons that you can really call your own.
But then, we shared so very many of those
feelings of sensation in our touching,
and I must allow for that in my consideration
of all of this, instead of blaming myself for
not being able to get through it all sooner.

I don't feel guilty. There is no shame in
the love I felt for you. And I don't feel
sorry for you in the least either. You
made your bed, and now you are really
going to have to find a way to sleep in it
without me. If marijuana is your choice
of doing that, or some other combination
of ingested chemicals, then your marijuana
high and all the rest, will have to be all
that you ever come to know of rest and
the peace that it can bring.

The only way I can ever hope
to help anyone in the support of life
and love is to find the truth,
and that means finding it for myself
first. And to do that, I must keep
on writing. My truth was never
found in you. If you choose
to keep on living your life
within a numbed state of never
really feeling love at all, there
is nothing I can do to change that.
There never was. Only you can
ever hope to make that change
within yourself. And you have
never been willing to do that.

I've written more than enough on
that subject already. There are no
answers to be found there. And so,
it seems, that you and I were only
'meant to be' for a very short time,
when viewed from a distance.
Even if it still seems to have been,
somehow, an eternity - but that
is in memory only - not reality.
Your lies have seen to that.
And even memories have a way
of evolving into something other
than the real experience.

And so, I come back now,
to my own first refusal of you.
It was valid. It still is. And you
really should have respected it.
For to ever try to charm or seduce
another into something as life-altering
as sexual union always is and must
surely still be, the greatest sin of all -
no matter how charming those lies
and their various accouterments
may seem at first. Lies don't last.
Sooner or later the truth will out.
And never will true love be found in lies.

And I need merely, now, to remind
myself - that the sin was never
mine at all (for the lies began
and end in you) - and then go on,
in life and love, without you -
for with you,
it was never love at all...

? Michaelette ?

4/27/2002
Copyright© 2001 Michaelette L. Romano
All Rights Reserved
Take me home...