Instead

He smiled, and yet underlying
all his shows of happiness, he suffered
from a sadness set too deep into
his heart and soul. No one knew,
and he would never tell.

Silence - it became his habitat.
He held it all inside by never
touching anyone with love again.
And prayed for strength, to keep it
under wraps.

Pretending he was just like them,
they never dared to ask - just why
it was they seemed to feel it too,
there in his presence. Oppressive
in its subtlety, the feeling seemed
to grow in increments.

Like age - as clocks ticked off another
unit of deceit, so endlessly and yet
without respite. While the heat kept
rising higher, there within - demolishing
the memories of all that could have been.
The dreams of love that they had shared
together. Less than ash, yet still
he tasted her within his reverie.

But every time the urge to reach
back out to her began, he stiffened
more and more, in gross resolve.
Repeating to himself that what he did,
was done as right and good, according
to the larger multitude. It must have been.
Or else there was no reason left to live -
no, not for him.

Life became a constant tottering
upon a brink of blind destruction
after that. He'd lost her now, so utterly,
that the best that he could do was not
to think of her at all. And yet, within
the pull of tiredness, it all came home
to him again (and yet again, unceasingly).

Home - that place of heart. Remembering
the joy just at the start of all the dreams they
used to share, in unity. The synchronicity
that kept it flowing through and through
the two of them, together. It still was there.
But now the future only could be bare.
For he'd destroyed the trust that once,
she'd placed in him.

Lone wolf - there was a time when that one
image used to speak to him, in spades.
But now, the endless days felt only empty -
no matter how he filled the million moments
in between, with all the trash that busyness
could bring. With her, he'd felt the meaning
of it all. No borders to be breached, nor any
boundary that e'er could keep them
from each other - except the ones
he'd built there, by himself.

He'd promised her so many things back then.
(Oh no, he couldn’t think of that again,
and still go on...) Yet now within the
endless stream of things - all those basics
that he strove to get beyond - were somehow
coming out all wrong, so very wrong.
Lacking some essential feel that made
his mindset reel. And set his heart
in overdrive again.

And all that love was meant to be,
would never deem to figure itself there.
While there within his eyes, behind a
brightness that some said must be
insanity, lay worlds within worlds -
of dreams he'd never dared to make
come true. They wondered, but they
never dared to ask, what really
bothered him these days.

And so, he plastered that fake smile
upon his face yet once again, and went
to meet the greater world of man.
Knowing only that he dare not speak
of all those wondrous peaks of bliss
that might have been,
with her instead...

? Michaelette ?

10/16/2002
Copyright© 2002 MLR Enterprises
All Rights Reserved
Take me home . . .