Too Full of Empty

Shocked nearly to death - as she awakened to find
the bed empty of him. Truth be told, her first feeling
was one of relief. The shock did not last long. Soon
she noticed how much better she felt after finally finding
a good night's sleep. Not within his arms, no never that.
But there, alone with herself, in her very own bed.
For once, she didn't need to concentrate on him.
A thrill of excitement moved through her, unlike any
rush of ecstasy, but she didn't know its value, not just yet.

The house was quiet. Not a lonely kind of quiet then.
Rather, a peaceful, just-found, happy kind of quiet.
She was glad he'd taken the dog with him
when he moved out. It didn't really matter
where he'd moved to or who he'd moved in with.
She had tea instead of coffee and wondered
if this was what freedom tasted like. In its
beginnings, anyway. It made her smile to think
these thoughts of just herself. And she felt
somehow resilient. As if coming back to health
after a long term of disease. His venom unable
to rush through her veins again.

It was finally over. All that pretension.
She'd never really cared what all those neighbors
thought of her or he or them. Just as she'd never
cared enough to call herself Republican or Democrat.
She spat in the sink and laughed at herself.
Then poured herself another cup of tea.
Breakfast made itself for her, without a leak
of energy. No studied sigh was needed anymore.
She'd never really been that bored, you know.

She looked ahead and remembered a feeling of potential.
Not his this time, but hers. The one she had so carefully
packed away when she had married him. She was amazed
at the changes in it over so much time. But still she
recognized it as her own. Dusty, yes, but still impressed
within her. It no longer had to do with school and learning.
It had more to do with filling out and filling in the empty
spaces in her being. She only saw a few, at first, alas.
It would take time for her to travel to the edge of the chasm.
One step at a time. And the church bells still chimed.
A funeral mass. The past was past. She felt herself
as if she were brand new.

She'd entered into yet another order. At first, her married
friends returned her calls. Another step, and then the wetness
of new tears. Perhaps the worst was when she finally
grew enough to recognize that all she missed was never
really him. Almost any man would do, but most grew
fickle more and more as age progressed. There was
a terror growing in their eyes with age. As if, within herself,
they saw another stormy sky. Denial wilted in her nights
alone. She really didn't want another man. She'd had
her fill of serving wants and needs too oft' unstated.
And his kind of love had never really sated all the needs
that lived so deep within her heart.

Matrimony into alimony. Never sent on time.
Living in between the times as if a pauper given
some fine clothes. Forced to work, to make
ends meet, she cheated and they fired her.
Her self-esteem became a muddy blur.
She'd never learned of politics, but now
she couldn't help but see, the lies that kept
so many in a state of poverty. It was so
different from the state of any widow.
Understanding blossomed in the nights
when sleep sped so swiftly away from her.

Her parents couldn't save her anymore.
And there no longer was a man who stood
between the world and her back door.
Had she waited too long, just to set herself free...?
Or was it that her misery belonged to every
sister of her soul. To each of them that dared
to stand alone and pay the toll. Inflated prices
conquering what minds of men had left
to precious meanings of the love thought tamed.
Her dreams were quite fantastically insane.

Her youth no longer backed her in a marketplace
where meat was bought and awfully consumed.
Her name was his. What could she claim her own?
To battle him in court would cost a fortune.
She'd never saved for such a rainy day.
She'd always spent it all upon her passions.
He'd loved her, yet he hated her for that.
Clinging to past memories brought on
a great despair. She hadn't only lost a man,
it was as if she'd lost her very soul.

Time passed within a mist of ill-considered provocation.
She didn't quite retrieve herself in time.
Today the church bells chime for her.
Funereal in tune. Her married friends would
now be there, clucking over her gray hair,
while gossiping about her daring do.
Just before the casket closed for good.
She awakened to this vision, more than dream.
Shocked nearly to death - and her bed left
all too full of empty years of tears she'd shed
for only him...

? Michaelette ?

12/12/2003
Copyright© 2003 Michaelette L. Romano
All Rights Reserved
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