How Is It?

He cared enough
to keep a roof over my head
but he never cared enough
to keep his rage away from me
and he refused to try to understand
that as a child I felt
everything he thought
he had under control

How is it that I came
to love him anyway?

I grew and yet I never knew
the sublimated patterns
of emotional abuse
for you see, they were my world
and no one had ever told me
it could be another way

How is that I loved him
even as his pain ran through me?

I wish just once before he died
he'd taken just a little time
to talk to me
but if he had, what was there
that I could have said?

Perhaps how I had truly missed
a loving hand to hold my own
when I felt lost and lonely
or a mentor when I tried so hard
to face the vastness of this world

or then again someone to teach me
how to defend myself
when others tried to take advantage
of this heart that only wants to love

Would that have been too much to ask?
But how could he
when he'd never learned
to love himself?

Years have come and years have gone
I listen to the song of timeless winds
and every now and then
I'm blessed with all the grace
he never knew

for no matter the distance
or seeming separation
this love I feel is real
and never have I failed
to love in full

So this one is for you, dad
wherever you may be
I pray that you have found a home
in realms beyond what I can see
and that perhaps this love of mine
will flow through all eternity
to you

for love is the catalyst
of the greatest changes ever lived
and my life has changed
tremendously since you've been gone

I wander and I wonder
if perchance in death
your loving heart
has finally come to see
that I exist

How is it that I love you
even now that you are gone?
when you were really never
here for me at all . . .

?Michaelette?

6/17/2000
Copyright© 2000 Michaelette L. Romano
All Rights Reserved
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